I land in Bangkok on August 3rd, just two years shy of when I landed the first time around. I walk through the airport, adorned in places with red and gold Thai ornament, people hurrying by in arrivals, chattering in Thai, making their way out into the city. It feels comforting to hear Thai language again. Everything still feels very familiar. I had been here only just over a year ago after all. I make my way through immigration. I pick up my suitcase at baggage claim, meet my Grab car, and we drive out into the rain shortly after midnight.
"I’ve made it", I thought to myself.
I realize in that moment that it’s all still here.
Almost like I never left.
As strange as it sounds, that was a big a fear of mine. The year I spent in Thailand was a whirlwind experience. It was the greatest experience of my life, but it was not without tremendous struggle and pain. But in this country I also found healing, and for all that it took away, it gave back more.
Then it was gone.
I flew back to the US. I went back to work. I created somewhat of a routine. Fast forward a few more months and it started to feel like none of it ever happened. Like it was all just a lovely and terrible dream. But a piece of me never stopped clinging to it.
During the year I was in Thailand, I felt as though I went through 3 very distinct chapters. Back in 2023, as my final visa extension approached, I decided it was time to return to the US, but everything felt very uncertain - very unfinished. For the next year I struggled to settle down, always needing to be in motion. Constantly a little restless , dissatisfied and uncomfortable… always wanting to be somewhere other than where I was. I couldn’t escape the residual longing I felt for this other place and a different self.
I was on the plane ride home from Prague earlier this year when I decided that I needed to return to Thailand. Once this was decided, it may as well have been set in stone.
Coming back felt like relief; like the 4th and final chapter of this book that I did not get to finish the first time around. Spending the last month here has given me tremendous clarity about who I am now, how my priorities have changed, and where to aim going forward. I don’t think I’ll ever stop traveling. It’s a fundamentally important part of who I am. But you see, the only thing I’ve ever wanted more than to travel the world is to have a partner to do it with. So I guess I’m hoping that’s what this next book might be about.
After all, love has given me some of the greatest experiences of my life. Love is what brought me to Thailand in the first place. Love is what kept me here. Love is what always takes me home. Love might really be the greatest and the worst thing about the human experience, and an utterly fascinating phenomenon. I’ve never been afraid to walk away from love. I also have no shame in taking a chance on it.
I know this isn’t the end for me and The Kingdom. It’s just the final chapter of book one. It feels bittersweet to know that after 2 years, I can put this adventure to rest. This was the lesson I had to learn this time. You can return, but you can never go back - it doesn’t exist anymore. Everything is the same, and at the same time, nothing is the same. Life is constantly changing. Each moment is an object in motion. A perfect example of impermanence.
It’s why we must try to follow our hearts.
Buy that plane ticket.
Never give up on love.
Do things that scare you.
Time is running out.
I’m grateful to be leaving Thailand with a sense of peace and direction. I can finally move on, so that I can steer my time toward new priorities - safety, stability, love, and a sense of home. These are the things that feel a little new and a little scary to me now.. but in a good way. And I’m truly excited for this next chapter.
Thank you always for the continued love and support, both while I’m in the US and abroad. I’ll be back soon <3
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